...
doesn't mean I do all fun shizz, I'm cheap. I'm not havoc, or whatever you call it. Don't you ever assume. Yes, this is real world. people try to trick you to getting into your pants but no, I'M SO NOT INTERESTED.
it was once said "i feel sad for her because she has so many guy friends but she has no love." to a person who i had feelings against. my friends told me that about her, but when she finally had a boyfriend.. it was my best friend. they were a good pair. I was hysterical of course and my best friend ignored me and now we are no longer friends.
I shed tears like a crazy mad woman. for more than 4 months, I cried till I can't cry no more and I still cry. every little thing is sad.. then I got back to my feet, decided it's no use crying cause it won't make anything better.
I'm not an ideal woman. I hop. I want to have fun. I don't like to be tied down, but at the end of the day, I'll be alone. No love. No special friends. I'm young. I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. 21 and being tied down is not an ideal life.
I stood by my principles. I stood for what I believe in. I do believe in love but I just don't believe how love can be felt so easily for people. how people can easily say I Love You. that does not exist for me. so I gave up any idea of love.
when I finally.. said I love someone, I don't fear rejection, but I fear whether is it real? and what I got was "I'm not worth your love." and tears falling for me because of the feeling regret that I love him and him hurting me. I don't care anymore how many times I get hurt, I don't care because I've decided it was him I would love. I may sound naive now, but this is how I feel.
he wants to go away because he hurt my feelings but... even if he go away, it won't make anything better. I will still get hurt and I don't even know I can go thru that again. I don't want him to go away. it's such an awful feeling to lose him. everytime he talks about her, I would feel such pain but I had to brush aside these silly feelings. everytime. so I can see him smile.
I want to feel happy. being loved and love back. I'm not happy right now.
- right now, I just wanna die - so can you please save me?
