Yesterday I was crying again. CRYING. Maybe raging hormones or maybe there are times I had to cry off those things I kept in me. Right now I wanna say somethings...
I am tired of trying to be someone I don't wanna be right now. I don't wanna pretend that I am strong anymore. I don't wanna pretend and hurt my own feelings by trying not to hurt others. I'm tired. I don't care what you gonna say about me.
Things I never knew..
Violin/Piano, I never knew. I know so very little, I never at all. SO YES, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THEM.
Languages, don't ask me, please, cause I DON'T KNOW. YES I DON'T KNOW JAPANESE, KOREAN, OR WHATEVER LANGUAGES..
Dancing, I'm terrible at it. I thought I can do it, now I know I could not.
Friends come and go but family don't. No matter what my family comes first. I don't care if your mom, dad, brother or sister suck, MINE DOESN'T. They are the only people who accept me for who I am. For what I'm worth. They never judge, they never hate.. They LOVE me BUT my friends? THEY WENT POOF. So at the end of the day are they my friends? NO! They judge me, they dislike me and they only accept me if I am somewhat like them.
Let me tell you about me. I'm not RICH. My family can afford things that we all need and we do have problems settling bills, but who cares cause everyone will help. My allowance is not $1000 a week, it is so far from that but I treat it that way cause I believe that whatever I say is a prayer. If I say I'm rich, I will be. If I say I'm poor, no money, pathetic, I WILL BE. I am not the rich brat like you said. I am not. I live in a humble home with 5 other people and a cat who of course come and go. I am what you call naive.. sometimes. I believe what people say as it is, but I never believe something so serious without knowing the truth.
I never believe "love" people said to exist in a relationship. I don't like one cause I think relationships RUIN friendship. I have been in so I could tell you. So, I try to push aside any "like" feelings I have for my friends, cause then us will be ruin BUT I'm only human and human can do very little. I can only fight so little.. so when I do like someone so much, then I would tell him cause it's my own proof. People love to gossip and every time I get near to someone, people would come and ask me, "YOU LIKE HIM?" and the answer will be no cause it is what it is. This is what totally happen with Dawn and I'm tired of that.
I'm not popular at school but I do have friends and ofter get bullied by other students. Every single time I confessed to the guy I really like, THEY'LL HATE ME after that. So that's why I rarely confessed my feelings for anyone. It is really rare for me to even like anyone. So now I think I really like this guy, if I don't confess, I will go unhappy and crying every time I think about it but if I do, what if he hates me? Our friendship is over just like that. He did went closer to me then but I pushed him away saying I like someone else but actually I don't. I pushed people away every time so that we won't get hurt in the end.. but now, I think I do like him and it took me so long to realize. Is it my fault? My phobia, my trauma... What am I suppose to do now? I regretted and now I think he doesn't like me cause he said that to me and one other guy. So I asked him whether it's true, he said "who knows?" WHO KNOWS?
Friends? I miss them but do that care? NO.. not at all. They don't care. Seriously, they dislike for reasons unknown to me. What am I suppose to do? I don't know. So I had to don't care at all, cause if I were to, I'll be sick and die. I cannot be what you want me to be. If you feel that I am somehow too scary cause I get to enthu in dancing, you should not dislike me, WHY NOT JUST JOIN ME and be better. Why? Why do you people get so scared and petty? NO OFFENCE.
To Karei, I never said I don't care about you. I do care cause you are my closest friend. I was very very very sad when I got to know that you somehow don't wanna talk to me.
To Kirara, I was angry and I don't know when I won't be. I was kinda shocked that you went away. I thought you would be there though I never take you forgranted. You're one of the friend I never had.
I, as a person, never like to be belittled. I hate to get patted by someone cause it will look as if I'm little. If I am in a relationship, I want to be equal. I never want to be judge as "you're a girl, you cannot this" or "no, you have to listen to me." I want an open relationship... to be together but not stuck with each other. To know what they real feeling to like someone without all those mushy, kissing, hugging and gropping. To really like someone is an AMAZING feeling. I want to truly know someone who truly like me for who I am. To really show me that he truly likes me. Everyone wants to hear sweet nothings once in a while. Yes, I am whiny, everyone is. I am choosy. I am independent person who doesn't like to be supported by a guy. I wanna be free as a person, to do things I want to do and not to be control by someone.
I'm a person with big imagination and ambition, I'm trying to be a better person. A better daughter, a better sister and a better friend. Now I will keep quiet. I will not tell anyone what I would do or what I did.. I won't tell you what I want. I just want to be myself.
Everyone has a life, you want to know someone so well, you want to know what they are doing every minute but you got to give them some privacy. They are human and you are human. I'm sure you understand how they feel.
