something I am.
I'm just Alice and I think I just tried to kill myself. It's not an easy thing to do. I tired and tried and tried and every time I tried, I heard my Mother's voice. I stopped and I walked out of the bathroom, my Mother was not even home yet.
Reasons why I did? I was at the very end of my limit. My brother help me by letting all my anger out of me.
Anger of disappointment I got from the people I called friends. After being there for them, they dislike me and considered me dead. My own close friend, the one I trusted, didn't even invite me to her birthday celebration. I was totally hurt. She totally misunderstand my post previously, now I can't talk to her cause she won't listen. So many turn their back against me. The very first boy-best friend totally walked away from me, after being in a relationship with a girl who obviously wanted to make me unhappy. She succeeded, I lost a best friend to just a friend. They came to dislike me when I tried to help them settle the misunderstanding we all had as a group just because I'm their junior. Now, my second close friend just told me she joining the "other group". She's leaving, what's new? Everyone's leaving, everyone's unhappy..
Anger of my own mistakes.. what I did to my brother and sister. I dislike my sister.. more like hated her because of something so dumb. She didn't know of course. I hated her, her face and all that she does. I find that she always wanted to always be more knowledgeable about something than I was. She always gets on my nerves by what she said. But who was there comforting me when I was crying the hell out myself at the window? She did.. The very sister I dislike. To my brother whom I dislike when I'm out with friends, he wanted me to get home by 8pm, of course I disagree and got into a big fight with him. My so called friends came home with me to talk to him, since then he never cared about me.
All my anger, my sadness, my problems.. was never shared. I never wanted to share it with my siblings because of my fear that I will get shot down instead. I never wanted to share it with my friends because it won't make any difference. No one will ever listen. Every time I tried to open my mouth, they won't listen instead they will asked me to listen to them. They didn't even bother to listen to my situations.
I hate them, who made me this way. My so called friends... I meant nothing to them. To them, I'm just trash. I hate myself because I didn't bother to care about those who were eventually there for me. My family, the ones who really love me for who I really am, without any judgment, second thought and regrets.
Yes, I'm evil, I'm am nothing you call good. I'm selfish, I'm a liar, I'm just pure evil. I thought of killing someone, thought of poisoning someone.. I'm just evil... and just like what my brother said, I'm delusional. I always being someone I'm not and always putting on a mask. I always wanted to be somebody. A person who they go to when they have problems. A person who others always think of. In the end, I was used and thrown away. So much for being somebody. I'm a nobody.. maybe you are right, I am a piece of shit.
Today I died. or at least I wanted to.
